I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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