my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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