Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
