Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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