so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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