Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
