now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
