i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
