I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
