How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
