I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
