that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish you could order shots online.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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