I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
