it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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