Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
