woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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