i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
