i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
