I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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