I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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