They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
