he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
