last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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