So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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