I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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