You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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