This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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