My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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