Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
