My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
