Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
