youre lurking in front of me
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
