I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
