You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
