If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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