please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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