So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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