Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
