Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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