I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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