It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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