I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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