too bad you live with your parents still
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
