Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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