he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize