You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
