Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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