my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize