please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
