and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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