two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
