i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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