i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
