doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
