I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
