hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
