So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
