you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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