Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize