I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
